How do you see yourself in relation to others?

hmmm. I think this is easiest to approach if I talk about the disconnect I feel sometimes when others say things to me that I don't feel is at all accurate. Other parents at school often comment on how calm I am and how they could never deal with 3 kids, especially with a husband who travels often for work. I don't feel calm - often I've just finished a tantrum in the car. (or I've WANTED a tantrum). I think I'm probably like a lot of people - I feel unsuited to a lot of situations, uncomfortable because of a lack of experience, or know-how, or whatever. I often forget that I am good at teaching, and I love spending time with children. It's easier to hide behind the simple Stay-at-home-mom facade sometimes. I remember being very upset when I was teaching because everyone thought of me as dis-organized (I liked piles of stuff, rather than files - but I didn't lose things. Really.)

I do wonder why/long for a little bit different kind of life - granite-countertops, BMWs, and a laundry/craft room, more $$ in the bank, etc. I look around at my house (inherited furniture, lots of dog hair, and books, and legos) and wonder how in the WORLD I could ever get it to look more like the Pottery Barn catalogs. And then I've also thought that more money could FIX everything. (ha!)

I do notice that I get more into that whole thing (the house-lust, the longing for a car that is NOT a mini-van, etc.) when I'm around other people more (like during the school year). It probably doesn't help that my kids go to a private school, and the parking lot contains cars that often are worth more than my mortgage. (ok, well almost!)

I'm much happier when I have time to myself. When I'm not rushing around delivering kids, and lunches, and stuff. I spend a lot more money during the school year too - and drink more coffee (drug of choice).

On the other hand, when I've been spending a lot of time with my kids, I don't want more stuff. I have a hard time getting motivated to move out of our comfort zone and go to a park, or do something outside of our house. Same with my extended family. I love having them visit. My parents often stay for 2-3 weeks and I wish they'd stay longer, or visit more often. It's not that I don't like going to parks, or having playdates, or visiting museums, etc. I just love my family, and I get selfish about them.

insomnia


sleep evades me - a little kid caught up in a game of catch-me-if-you-can, if you dare, if you want.
My teeth clench and unclench
muscles too. leg, shoulder, arm, fingers.

I should be able to get past it all - close my eyes and let it go
(let what go? what is it that makes my heart race, my legs want to kick kick kick, my eyes blink open to watch the time tick by)

I make lists of my lists. to do tomorrow, next week, at the library.

I start the dish washer, get coffee ready, fold clothes.

sit in this chair
one knee resting on the other
hard wood pressing against my back, my thigh, my calf
elbow on the placemat. the blue one that will waffle my skin long before I decide to go back to bed.

Yawns escape teasingly. the cat makes one last circut and then settles down near the birdcage. i finish my tea
turn off the light

and shuffle back upstairs.

ANGER

I don't think about anger very much. I do get angry. Mostly when I'm frustrated. I have three children (9,6, and 3 years old) and I've cracked a tooth by clenching my jaw too tightly when they didn't get in the car in a timely (to me) fashion, or get dressed, or listen to me. I don't understand where that anger comes from, well I do, but I don't understand the intensity of that anger.

Although if I think about the rest of my life, the little things that pile up like dirty clothes, I can see it. I am a very patient person. It usually takes a lot for me to get upset. And when I do, I don't know that I'm allowed to let anyone know. (More of that child energy, perhaps?)

When I was teaching, we had a set of questions to help our students get through situations that angered them: What? So What? Now what? My dad just reminded me of that little triplet, and it seems to help. It is fun to get angry at things that I have no control over (other drivers, for instance) but then I remember that I have others in the car with me at all times (the aforementioned kidlets) and what am I teaching them in that instance?

Recently (well, this year) I was able to follow through on my anger (a friend betrayed my trust, and I called her on it) and not be blaming or shrew-like and it felt good.

Fear

As an assignment for a class I'm in, we had to discuss our fears. At first, I didn't think I had any. (ha!)


I'm afraid of
1. listing my fears. It's taken me a week to do this. If I list
them, then I might actually have to deal with them.

2. snakes (that one's easy)
3. Hurting anyone's feelings
4. disappointing my husband
5. not being able to communicate well with my kids
6. losing myself in my life of stay-at-home mother/wife
7. confrontation... and yet
8. NOT confronting issues that bother me
9. accepting praise
10. not knowing what I want,
11. (and by extension) not being in control.

What are you afraid of??
(and you can't say ending a sentence in a preposition...)

Trying to get this in before the end of May, so I don't mess up my average of posting once a month...

I was tagged by my friend Marc - 7 random things about myself...

1. My name is a verb. Lysne (in America, rhymes with Disney, in Norway it's lees na) is a Norwegian verb meaning "to become light". According to my grandmother, the town of Lysne (in Norway) is near the arctic circle. They were the first to get the light after the winter months of darkness. The people of Lysne would sound the alarm on alpinehorns and let the rest of the communities know the light was coming. They were often referred to as "the people of the Light".

2. I read constantly. I usually have 2 or 3 books going at a time, often in different parts of the house. Today I'm reading Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen, Jovah's Angel by Sharon Shinn, and Don't Look Down by Jennifer Crusie and Bob Mayer.


3. My parents were hippies - I"m lucky I wasn't named Rainbow. We lived in the Haight when I was 4 months old, and before then we lived in a communal dwelling in Crested Butte, Colorado. We moved to Michigan when I was 3 and I have been here for 30-some years.

4. I've been to every state except Alaska, Hawaii and Rhode Island. (See number 3)

5. I make a mean apple pie. One of my pies went for over $25 at an auction one year. (My crust is to die for... really.)

6. My favorite car is a 1968 Porche 911, pale yellow with a dark green interior. NO whale tail.

7. My right "pointer" finger is not straight because I slammed it in a car door on my 12th birthday.

whew. Now I have to tag 7 others:
Anne
Claire
Merritt
Jen
Shelley
Liz
Jessie

April

Whan that aprill with his shoures soote
The droghte of march hath perced to the roote,
And bathed every veyne in swich licour
Of which vertu engendred is the flour;
Whan zephirus eek with his sweete breeth
Inspired hath in every holt and heeth
Tendre croppes, and the yonge sonne
Hath in the ram his halve cours yronne,
And smale foweles maken melodye,
That slepen al the nyght with open ye
(so priketh hem nature in hir corages);
Thanne longen folk to goon on pilgrimages,

My high school English teacher Mr. Seal, would scream this from the front of the room in the beginning of April. Usually without warning.

(He was short, and dramatic, and energetic, and PASSIONATE.) We had no idea what to do with him.

We were small town high school kids, searching for coolness. Passion, true passion, has nothing "cool" about it. We knew about being HOT, but that too, had nothing to do with being passionate. Mr. Seal was the fodder for many jokes, and fond reminices later in life. We respected his passion, in our own ways. Mostly after rolling our eyes.
===++++++++++++++++=====

We had an interesting discussion during Easter dinner yesterday. What goes on in your mind? Are you able to think of nothing? Do you have a narrator/voices that chatter in your mind while you look around?? The only time I am able to turn off my narrator is while I'm reading. My husband can have nothing in his head. I have a voice that is listing everything that needs to be done, or is describing things all the time.

I'm interested in how other people think/the conversations that they have in their minds.

+++===++++++++====
I'm reading Eagle of the Ninth by Rosemary Sutcliff and The Diamond Age: A Ladies Illustrated Primer by Neal Stephenson.

Spring has sprung. I know - I live in Michigan - there is a chance of snow up until May. But, the daffodils are blooming, the hyacinths aren't far behind. I pass red-wing blackbird sentinels on the entrance ramp to the highway.

My refrigerator is filled with lovely produce: new asparagus, fresh lettuces, bright green scallions. I love spring. Of course I love to eat... Mmmm. We got the grill out this evening - it started to rain as soon as I lit the charcoal.

It is spring break for the kidlets. We started it off with TMNT (teenage mutant ninja turtles) movie. Fun. Ok, well it was until 1/2 way through when A threw up, loudly. Poor kid. He looked so pale and white afterwards. He didn't miss much of the movie, though. Poor girls in the row in front of him - it was kind of stinky.

So, I am spring cleaning. It wasn't exactly planned, however. A new box of olive oil - purchased for the cool packaging - leaked all over my corner cabinet (one of those with the spinning shelves). As soon as I got that cleaned up (which involved taking the door off of the cabinet, and all the food out of the cabinet, and then replacing all of the above) I noticed that the floor was wet. The seal around the drain in the kitchen sink failed. After emptying out that cabinet, and drying it out, I started cleaning out the utility sink in the laundry room. M called me for something and I accidentally left the water running. The plug was in and the entire sink overflowed. Some time later, I realized that the water was running. and running, and running. It ended up raining in the basement. C was NOT HAPPY. Neither was I, truthfully. The copious amounts of dirty clothes on the laundry room floor were soaked. The storage room in the basement was wet. I ended up being late picking up the kids from school. But now I have a sparkling laundry room. and kitchen. (But really - could someone let the universe know that I can handle the rest of the house without any "encouragement"?)

Just finished reading two Carol O'Connell mysteries, the newest Deborah Crombie mystery, and I'm in the midst of The Eagle of the Ninth by Rosemary Sutcliff for the YARG (young adult reading group) on Readerville.com

love is more thicker than forget
more thinner than recall
more sooner than a wave is wet
more frequent than to fail

it is most mad and moonly
and less it shall unbe
than all the sea which only
is deeper than the sea

love is less always than to win
less never than alive
less bigger than the least begin
less littler than forgive

it is most mad and moonly
and more it cannot die
than all the sky which only
is higher than the sky

-e.e. cummings

This poem was hung in my grandmother's kitchen. I read it every day my senior year of high school and never thought of what it meant. Each word is familiar, recognizable, comfortable. In the summer I'd run the paths around the "farm" and each bump, each tree, each stone was remembered by my body. Breathe, breathe, step, step, jump a bit, duck. This poem is the same way. I love the way it sounds, the way it feels on my tongue. I'm thinking of hanging it in my own kitchen - and then I think I should find my own anthem to display, or write one. As I re-read the poem I wonder what my grandmother liked about it. Did she like (as I do) the alliteration? The idea that love is mad and moonly? What was her idea of love - she who eloped and didn't tell her father for 3 months that she was married (in the 1930s); the mother of 4 children (1 adopted); the country doctor's wife? My favorite line is "less bigger than the least begin". Perhaps this poem was her way of warning me about expectations.

I was looking for some books tonight for a friend. I thought they were down with my school stuff, but I must have put them somewhere else. I did find this poem, and 3 other books I haven't read, 1 book that I was discussing with my father today, and a buckwheat-hull pillow. There are times, (many, many times!) that I wish I was a more organized person, but where would the fun be in that? I enjoy these mini-treasure hunts, and the fact that there are more books in this house that I need to read than books I've read.

Oooh, I just finished The Book Thief by Markus Zusak. Wow. This was a poignant, enchanting, moving, poetic book. After I'd read the last chapter, I turned back to the beginning and started over. We're having a discussion of it at Readerville (in fact, I'm discussion leader, and I can't think of anything intelligent to say. I just want to gush!)

I've also read Beka Cooper: Terrier by Tamora Pierce, a Sharon Shinn book: Dark Moon Defender, and a Lois McMaster Bujold novel: The Sharing Knife: Beguilement. Now I'm in the middle of a Jane Yolen book about Dragons, and East by Edith Pattou.

Slow as Molasses in the winter....

The thing is, molasses moves slowly, but it still moves. I was cleaning my counter and found a small drop of molasses behind the coffee maker. hmm. Interesting. I followed it up to the bottom of the cabinet. Opened the door - moved EVERYTHING from the first shelf - just a few thin lines of molasses dripping down the back. So I cleaned off the second shelf. More lines of molasses, thicker here, but not the source. I tackled the third shelf - bingo. An entire bottle of molasses had emptied out, slipping under baking supplies: chocolate, colored sugars, Fruit Fresh. I had to take the wooden part of the shelf out, run it under hot water. My house still smells like molasses and the contents of that cupboard are on the counter. I ran out of energy.

Well, that, and I've been held hostage by Lois McMaster Bujold this weekend. I read Paladin of Souls and The Hallowed Hunt this weekend. In both cases I was completely lost in the book. Mmm - it is so delicious when that happens! I practically ignored my children & husband, some meals, and the dirty dishes, but did I have fun! Next up The Sharing Knife: Beguilement by Bujold. I think the one thing that I love about her work is her characters' ability to swear. Not with words that would be considered rude in our society, but they work so well within the worlds she's created. I am envious of her ability to create believable worlds. Of course, I often wonder if I would be well suited to live in a world like that - no technology, basic basic needs met only. Could I kill a chicken? Could I make bread for my table & clothes for my children's backs? Ride a horse? Could I survive?

That's a question I ask myself often. What could I do if I needed to? With so many choices of things that I can do every day, and not much that I absolutely need to do, will I lose somehow that part of me that makes life & death decisions? If there was a war, or something that devastated the world, could I survive? Could I help my children? What skills do I really have? and could they translate into some other kind of life?

Ach! Too much philosophy for tonight. more later...

I fell in love with my hands tonight. My 3 year old gave me a manicure yesterday - hot pink with glitter. Most of my nails are covered. It feels heavy and catches my eyes at inopportune times.

I'm fascinated with how much my hands look like my mother's hands. Kind of dry, each follicle is obvious, each crease and bend mapped out. I wonder what a palmist would say, following my life line, my heart line, my head line. I remember in elementary school we'd try to predict how many kids we'd have, or whether we'd die young and tragically, or marry well, just by reading palms.

I press my fingers together. Namaste. I press my thumbs against my eyes, near my nose, my first fingers touch my forehead. My fingers bend and voila - a cathedral of flesh. My water glass shines blue through my pinkies: a stained glass in blue at the altar.

I stare at my palms again, wonder at the geometry of the lines: right angles, obtuse angles, bisecting parallelograms. Math has a certain poetry, as long as you aren't stressing about it.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I'm listening to Loreena McKennitt An Ancient Muse It is beautiful. Haunting.

I just finished King Dork by Frank Portman (see his blog at http://www.doktorfrank.com/) This is an excellent book - Mr. Portman has caught the essence of being a misfit teen. I enjoyed it tremendously. (We're discussing it at the YARG - Young Adult Reading Group on Readerville - www.readerville.com )

Trust.

Such a small word, it looks strong, doesn't it? No flimsy apostrophes, no weak hyphens, all strong, solid letters. But it is so easy to break. I shared something I shouldn't have, with someone I trusted, and now? I shouldn't have trusted her. Of course, I shouldn't have said it in the first place either, so I'm as much to blame.

However when I confronted her about her indiscretion, she blew me off. "Oh, I screwed up. You'll just have to punish me then."

!!!!!!

I am not her mother. I'm not looking for justice. An apology would have been nice. (and truthfully, she may have apologized, but the "punish me" comment stuck in my head, so anything she said after that is hazy.) I would have appreciated some indication that she realized that what she said affected me - her friend.

Ah well. Perhaps it's the universe, giving me a shove in the proper direction. I've been so aimless lately, lots of "shoulds" and things to think about, but without a true course. Was that my FedEx moment from above? (see last post)

Ooooh, my house is beautiful. Saturday was a Taekwondo tournament. C, A, and L were all part - C is now a 1st degree black belt, L is a 2nd degree black belt (at 9 years!), and A is a green belt. I told another friend I'd watch her kids. Her middle son, K, was sitting in the stands watching the tournament when he accidentally dropped his PSP game. It smashed on the floor and he was in tears. (he's 10) When A finished his portion of the tournament, we hopped into the van and went back to our house. K was so upset, and trying to figure out how to make some $ to buy a new PSP - so I said "if you help me clean, I'll pay you". He said "I love to clean." I told him he should wait until he saw my house before he said he'd help.

At any rate, he did a wonderful job, he cleaned, vacuumed and steam-cleaned my living room. (it took 2 hours!) I told him to come back on Tuesday & help me with A's room. Yippee!

And, the cleaning bug was catching. I got the kitchen cleaned up too. It makes me so happy.

I read The Thirteenth House by Sharon Shinn - I didn't like the write up on the flyleaf, but I read the book anyway and it was much much better than I thought it would be. Next up King Dork by Frank Portman.

Well, how the heck did that happen? All of a sudden it's the middle of January, 2007.

Oh frabjous day! Today has been delightful. I had coffee with my dear friend and her son Kieran. He's 1 1/2, a beautiful boy, so serene. He has Down's, and is my first experience with a child with that challenge. There is something there that just hits me in the middle of my chest when I spend time with him. Not to sound sappy, or new-agey or anything, but I am certain I knew him Before.
Then off to lunch with Jen & her daughter. Jen was my student, and I can still remember the day I found her on my couch (in my classroom) crying and pale and shaky. She wore a burgundy shirt, and her long hair was in a pony tail. Her boyfriend was holding her and I asked what was up. She told me she was pregnant, and I held her for a long time.

Omigosh - Jen is an AWESOME writer - I used to love to read her stories. Vampires and telekinesis - (insert delightful shiver here).

Lunch was so fun, and I felt so fulfilled and reconnected. I've been playing around on Myspace, finding people I miss so much. Tonight I logged on and another old student found me. I still have a copy of her senior project - a chapbook of poetry. What an affirming day.

Funny, I've been so up in the air about what to do next with my life. Some days I want a job so much I can taste it, and others, (especially after we watch The Office), I'm so glad I don't! A few months ago I knew I was supposed to put together a middle school, and then, suddenly, I'm not so sure. Does fate change? What is destiny? There are days, like today, that I wish Whoever Is In Charge would just send a FedEx envelope with directions inside.

"Dear L,
Start a school. Put it in Lansing,
and open it to everyone.
I'll send someone to pay for it.
Love, God/Allah/Buddha/whoever"

Somehow, I don't think I should hold my breath.

Let's see, I've read more Sharon Shinn this month: The Dream-Maker's Magic and The Truth-Teller's Tale - so good, so comfortable, so DELICIOUS. I have such a sweet taste in my mouth when finished with her books. Next up The Thirteenth House if I can ever find it! (it's another Shinn) I've been into Da Vinci's Inquest on TV too. It's a detective show from the late 90's-early 2000. So GOOD!

I have a burning desire to live for a year somewhere very remote. Like Alaska, or the Scottish Highlands, or an island in Wisconsin - where I'd have to buy food in bulk for the winter and homeschool my kids. I'm sure I'd go crazy, but still.

It's a busy day here at Chez Petri. L has scarlet fever (basically strep gone bad - kid has a HIGH pain tolerance and doesn't know when he has strep) I have strep, M & A are going to the doctor this afternoon, cuz I'm thinking they have it too - I don't know how they swallow with those tonsils. Husband has doctor's appt this afternoon - he is not getting better either. (He had the real live flu a week and a half ago, went to Calif. for work for a week, came home with a double ear infection and a hacking cough. )

Soooo. I spent the morning with a bottle of spray Clorox cleaner. My house is spotless from about lightswitch height down. I need a bug bomb for strep...

I do know that I am lucky. My kids seem to get one huge illness about twice a year. I have friends whose kids are sick every week. And no one has asthma.

I really thought I'd be down & depressed, but it's so ridiculous it's funny. Although, everyone MUST get better soon - I'll never get anything together for Xmas or A's b-day (on Friday) if they aren't at school.

How can it be December? I mean, really. According to my last post, it was just October.

Well, it's been an interesting day. I don't know if I'll have any hair left next week. My husband leaves for San Jose tomorrow until the 8th, and M has been a holy terror today. She drew on her face (and other things) with red marker, that wasn't exactly permanent - but difficult to get off. (I tried alcohol, which got it off the couch, and the TV, and the carpet, but not her skin.) Then, while I was in the shower, she cut off half of her hair. (she doesn't have much to begin with.) My other two children NEVER cut their own hair (or anyone else's!) Then, this evening, she & A were in the big bathtub splashing around and my husband came running up yelling something about the water. Turns out, the water they had been splashing was dripping down the light fixture in the kitchen (right underneath the tub).

ARRRRRRGGGGH.

It doesn't help that my husband has the cold that I had two weeks ago (Hello! I cooked Thanksgiving dinner feeling JUST LIKE THAT) and he is a big fat baby about it. Ok, well not exactly a baby, but he is sleeping while all this other stuff is going on, and it makes me crabby. I have no patience for sick people. I am a very nurturing person at all other times in their lives, but when they are sick, I can't handle it. (awful, huh?)


I started a Yahoo!Groups for the middle school discussion, but no one is saying anything on it yet. (it's viamontessori) It'll happen eventually (both the discussion AND the middle school) - there is just a learning curve, and I have to invite more people, come up with something intriguing to say and then...

I'm still on the Sharon Shinn bender - I read more of the Samaria series, and a Twelfth House book. Verry nice. I put down the Jovah's Angel after my last post & can't find it. (Ack!) I read an awful T.A. Barron, but it was his first, so hopefully they get better. And L & I have been listening to Sabriel by Garth Nix. Something about the snow that makes me want to read that book again and again.

Well, I'm working on a paper discussion the various options for a Montessori Middle School, so I should get back to it. If it works well, I might post it. Everyone is asleep, so it's quiet here, except for the hum of the portable heater, drying under the bathtub.

This picture is from the MSU Student Organic Farm in September.
We went to the Farm to pick up our CSA share today. They had just moved the chicken coop, so we went to look at the chickens. The rooster crowed while we were watching and it scared M at first. A was there, asking in his mile-a-minute-5-year-old-way about every aspect of chickendom. And the rooster kept crowing.

So on the way home, M kept saying “cock-a-doodle-doo” and “I’m a mommy rooster”. (we have some talking to do, still – but what do you expect when Disney puts out movies with boy cows?) At any rate, the conversation at the dinner table was also peppered with Cock-a-doodle-doo’s. C was explaining to M that other languages attribute different sounds to animals. In Japan a rooster says “eek-a-reek-a-ree”. A started asking about German, and Spanish, and Chinese and we had no idea. Does anyone else know?

I just finished reading Rescue from Domestic Perfection by Don Ho. It was WONDERFUL. He is the anti-Martha. There was an article last week in the NYTimes about him - he was a successful restauranteur (with all the trappings) and decided that it was too much. So now he's down to 55 possessions. Ok, so that's a bit extreme, but a girl can dream! It was a very persuasive book, and now my hallway is echo-y and beautiful, because I got rid of the stuff that had accumulated there. (OK, so not all of it is actually put away, but it is closer than it was!)

I've also been reading my magazines: Sunset, Cook's Illustrated, Cook's Country, Popular Science, and Brain Child (that one actually came last month, I just haven't gotten to it until now). I would like to order Ready Made, but I think I have enough for now.

We picked these apples on Friday the 13th. I made them into apple crisp this evening. Yum.

Late late late. I should be in bed. My husband is in California and I cannot get ANYTHING done when he isn't here. Funny, if he is here, he's not doing much for me. (That is NOT a slam, he is helpful, but it really shouldn't matter one way or the other if he's here, as far as me getting the brood out of the door, ya know?)

L was sick today (sore throat, headache) so he stayed home. We took A to school, went to the doctors to make sure it wasn't strep (it wasn't!) and then came home for lunch. I decided that I needed to go through the kids' clothes and winnow a bit. So I brought everyone's clothes down to the dining room, cleared off the table and started sorting. I was listening to a book on tape (Sabriel by Garth Nix - read by Tim Curry - 2nd time through - it is LOVELY) when L came in and said "Mom, it's 3:28." I thought he was joking. I am supposed to pick A up at 3 p.m. School is 15-20 minutes away if I fly under the radar. ACK! Luckily I have a great friend who lets her kids play in the woods near school. She took A and let him play with her boys until I got there.


Books read: Sharon Shinn's Archangel (LOVED it...) and Wrapt in Crystal (Also good...) and I'm in the middle of Jevoh's Angel . Yup, it's pretty much been a Sharon Shinn bender. I have 3 more novels by her waiting in the wings. I've been paging through Cover and Bake a Cook's Illustrated casserole book and L and I watched Nanny McPhee yesterday - I liked it! L stole a book off of my TBR (to be read) pile - East by Edith Pattou. He is currently reading Sea of Trolls by Nancy Farmer as well.

Monday was Canadian Thanksgiving day. I bought a turkey breast to celebrate. (Some of my favorite people are Canadian - Hi Sara!) It was frozen, so I thought I had put it in the downstairs refrigerator. Wednesday I found it on top of said appliance. Good news - the cat hadn't found it. Bad news - we couldn't have it for dinner. I think sometimes I might have too much on my plate.

This has been a week of extremes. It snowed today. The snow is sticking - covering the lawn, the leaves, the house. My son A was upset because I wouldn't get out the sleds. (Mean momma - I told him it had to snow 3 inches before I got the sleds out.) Monday it was beautiful, in the upper 60s. Sun shining. Who knew we'd get snow? Really, truly snow. It's OCTOBER. Last year on Halloween we had a neighborhood cookout at 10 p.m. - it was too warm for A to wear his Tigger costume.

My emotions have been extreme too. I was ebullient on Monday - excited about starting to gather information for the middle school, starting the online class (on Montessori Leadership), I had the laundry under control, menus planned, the first floor was almost clean. Today, laundry is NOT under control, we had fast food twice this week, I am depressed about how much work it will take to create a middle school, I haven't done any homework for my class. What's up with all that?

My son L is one of four boys in his class. Next year two of the boys will be going to other schools, and the third boy probably will be gone as well. So L will be the only 4th grade boy. I asked him if he wanted to go to the local school instead but he said no, he'd rather be in Montessori. The 3rd boy's mom said she was worried about the small class size, she felt that her son needed a larger group. So here I am again, wondering why that doesn't concern me. Am I missing an important Parenting gene?

And then, after posing the above dilemma to my husband, I have more questions. When will be the best time to move him? Can I have him in only one year of the three year cycle? Montessori works in 3 year cycles, so if I can't commit to the entire three years, I shouldn't really put him in one. I guess I'll have to go visit the local school and see what the options are. He won't be happy about it (my son, my husband will be happy). Switching L would be the best thing because then we can afford to put M in Montessori. I have HUGE guilt issues just for thinking about switching him. But then, I REALLY want M to go to Montessori school. It is just tough with the first kid, I guess, cuz he's got to do everything first.

OK, one more thing about that missing Parenting Gene. This week I told M to get dressed several times and she wouldn't. I finally said "fine, you'll go to school in what you're wearing." We were just going to pick up the boys. M looked at me and said "Yipee!" (She was just wearing a diaper.) So, I put her in the carseat, gave her a blanket and we left. (I did have clothes for her in the car.) When we got to school another mother said "is she naked?" and I told the story. The other mother was horrified - well, at least her expression was.

Books read over the past week: Sharon Shinn's Heart of Gold - yummy science fiction with a bit of race relations. I loved it. Meg Cabot's Size 12 is Not Fat. Also good, in a different way. Think Bridget Jones.

I had a wonderful time tonight. It was VIP night at the kids' taekwondo gym. Both boys took me! (My husband already takes classes there.) So, I ended up going to two classes. A asked me where my uniform was - and he asked if I would go to EVERY class with him.

It was fun for other reasons too - being able to be the student and have my kids be the teachers; spending time with them individually; actually exercising. I usually have M with me, so they don't get much of my undivided attention.

Life has been fun for the past few days. I've been working on the middle school plan, been joking with my husband, cleaning the house a bit. M and my friend Anne and I went to a thrift shop the other day and found some 100% wool sweaters - I'm going to felt them and make some bags. I've also started a scarf. I'm looking forward to the trunk show. I don't know if I'll have enough really, to sell, but we'll see.

I'm reading a Sharon Shinn book right now... The Safe-Keeper. It's good, really good. My son is into Charlie Bone series. He's cannot WAIT until the next Garth Nix book comes out...

Some days I lose perspective.

Parenting is so hard, so continuous. Sometimes it is so NOT ME. I have a bad (yes Dad, a bad) attitude today. I guess its a bunch of stuff - I dislike my new haircut immensely. It'll grow, (soon I hope) and it's really not bad, it's just not me. None of my clothes fit. I'm feeling taken-for-granted by my children and husband. I am tired of whiny, crying, tired kids. I want to be working toward the school: doing something, not waiting. This is what they call Out-of-Sorts.

Today A chose to yell at me after everything I said to him. "Time to go home" was met with screams, "here is your water", "no, we're not going to the library" and "time for taekwondo", too. We went to taekwondo and he wouldn't go in. He sat outside and yelled. I was so embarrassed. I took him home and just lost it. My husband was great with A and talked to him about responsibility and promises and respect. I just couldn't get any words out. I was just worn to a raveling. I don't understand this behavior - I put him to bed at 7:45 tonight, hopefully that helps.

We had fun this weekend - went to a work party for C's work. (I'm in house-lust again... I had just started to like my house and then we go to this beautiful place with a mud room, and a HUGE kitchen, and lots of empty carpeting...) On Sunday we flew kites. My mom gave the kids a pirate ship kite. It only flies when there is a lot of wind. The wind was perfect! C tied the kite to one of the soccer goals and it flew on its own. Even M could fly a kite. We brought Buck to the field with us. He is such a dopey golden retriever. He ran and ran and then laid down in a puddle. A stinky, muddy puddle.

I just finished reading Lois McMaster Bujold's book The Curse of Chalion. So good. I love books that let me fall into them in the first page or two. This one was (like all of Bujold's) tremendous - lots of throne-room intrigue and planning, a little bit of magic, a little romance.

Now I'm reading a thriller-mystery called Fatal Tide by Iris Johansen. It's not horrible. (She's a NY Times Bestselling Author.) It's a little unbelievable, a little choppy. None of the magical language that is in the Bujold's. I want to read some of my other library books... We'll see - it's so difficult to find time to read - there's so much to do.

Maybe that's part of my problem today too - housework is so continuous. Parenting is continuous. Laundry is so continuous. I know, changing my perspective would help. I can finish the dishes tonight. Never mind that there is always another cup hiding behind the coffee maker, or in the living room. I can clean up the living room tonight. But I probably won't. I'll probably just sit here, cycling through Readerville or chatting with friends on Zoetrope or Googling random things or checking out other people's blogs.

Where did my patience go?

There was a time in my life when I had unlimited reserves of patience. I could re-direct until the cows came home. I could look at a screaming child and find some element of empathy, some softening of my heart. I could take deep breaths and let go of all thoughts that the tantrums were personal. This is not that time.

It would be so useful to me to have a Pause button. Forget those Easy buttons from the commercials - I just need a few minutes to compose myself; to calm my brain; to sort out all the information that is hurled at me from all quarters.

I decided tonight that I don't want to yell as much. I want to be more forgiving/understanding/flexible, but not a push over. (is that one word?)

Yesterday M's finger got pinched in a door. We spent the morning in the Emergency Room. She got 4 stitches in her pinky - what a trooper. She is a smiley kid by nature and by the time I decided she needed professional attention, she was smiling at the school secretary. As far as Emergency Room visits go, this was the best experience we could have had. Pleasant, smiling, calm people who explained everything as we went along. I love teaching hospitals.

My son A started full days of school. (he's in kindergarten at Montessori school) He's been awfully tired. Tired = Cranky. I wonder if he can hear me sometimes. He is a dramatic kid, so my evenings are filled with wailing and gnashing of teeth when things don't go the way he planned. I can't negotiate with him at all. He'll be screaming, crying, etc. and then suddenly he'll stop and ask for ice cream. (or to watch TV). That boy could live on TV or computers and apple juice and yogurt. On the bright side, he made a necklace for me today in school, and wrote his name on his paper.

My other son L ignores A often, but he's so good with M. L is in third grade and reading up a storm. He's working on fractions this week. Adding and subtracting. And telling jokes that only 3rd graders could love. Tomorrow he takes his last midterm before testing for 2nd degree black belt. (he's 1st degree now: there are 9 total)

I read a mystery the other day called Swallow the Hook by S.W. Hubbard about a small Adirondack town police officer. It was good - entertaining, not too obvious. I have trouble with the word Adirondack. I always want to pronounce it Aridondack and then it just sounds wrong.

Hmm. Painted part of the bathroom yesterday. I'm liking the Buxton Blue. I asked M and she said "It's too dark". But, she is just 2 1/2.

Still working on my struggle between minimalism and gross consumerism. It is just so easy to buy stuff. Then, when I find things that I want to make on my own, I still have to buy stuff to do it. I'm thinking about making X-mas gifts this year. It rarely gets beyond that tho'. I did make an awesome Monkey backpack for one of my nieces and she didn't even thank me. (I know she got it.) So part of me doesn't want to do anything like that again (it took me a year to knit!). Maybe just jewelry this year. It's easier to make. Of course, having that Pause button would be helpful for this part of my life, too!