Trust.

Such a small word, it looks strong, doesn't it? No flimsy apostrophes, no weak hyphens, all strong, solid letters. But it is so easy to break. I shared something I shouldn't have, with someone I trusted, and now? I shouldn't have trusted her. Of course, I shouldn't have said it in the first place either, so I'm as much to blame.

However when I confronted her about her indiscretion, she blew me off. "Oh, I screwed up. You'll just have to punish me then."

!!!!!!

I am not her mother. I'm not looking for justice. An apology would have been nice. (and truthfully, she may have apologized, but the "punish me" comment stuck in my head, so anything she said after that is hazy.) I would have appreciated some indication that she realized that what she said affected me - her friend.

Ah well. Perhaps it's the universe, giving me a shove in the proper direction. I've been so aimless lately, lots of "shoulds" and things to think about, but without a true course. Was that my FedEx moment from above? (see last post)

Ooooh, my house is beautiful. Saturday was a Taekwondo tournament. C, A, and L were all part - C is now a 1st degree black belt, L is a 2nd degree black belt (at 9 years!), and A is a green belt. I told another friend I'd watch her kids. Her middle son, K, was sitting in the stands watching the tournament when he accidentally dropped his PSP game. It smashed on the floor and he was in tears. (he's 10) When A finished his portion of the tournament, we hopped into the van and went back to our house. K was so upset, and trying to figure out how to make some $ to buy a new PSP - so I said "if you help me clean, I'll pay you". He said "I love to clean." I told him he should wait until he saw my house before he said he'd help.

At any rate, he did a wonderful job, he cleaned, vacuumed and steam-cleaned my living room. (it took 2 hours!) I told him to come back on Tuesday & help me with A's room. Yippee!

And, the cleaning bug was catching. I got the kitchen cleaned up too. It makes me so happy.

I read The Thirteenth House by Sharon Shinn - I didn't like the write up on the flyleaf, but I read the book anyway and it was much much better than I thought it would be. Next up King Dork by Frank Portman.

Well, how the heck did that happen? All of a sudden it's the middle of January, 2007.

Oh frabjous day! Today has been delightful. I had coffee with my dear friend and her son Kieran. He's 1 1/2, a beautiful boy, so serene. He has Down's, and is my first experience with a child with that challenge. There is something there that just hits me in the middle of my chest when I spend time with him. Not to sound sappy, or new-agey or anything, but I am certain I knew him Before.
Then off to lunch with Jen & her daughter. Jen was my student, and I can still remember the day I found her on my couch (in my classroom) crying and pale and shaky. She wore a burgundy shirt, and her long hair was in a pony tail. Her boyfriend was holding her and I asked what was up. She told me she was pregnant, and I held her for a long time.

Omigosh - Jen is an AWESOME writer - I used to love to read her stories. Vampires and telekinesis - (insert delightful shiver here).

Lunch was so fun, and I felt so fulfilled and reconnected. I've been playing around on Myspace, finding people I miss so much. Tonight I logged on and another old student found me. I still have a copy of her senior project - a chapbook of poetry. What an affirming day.

Funny, I've been so up in the air about what to do next with my life. Some days I want a job so much I can taste it, and others, (especially after we watch The Office), I'm so glad I don't! A few months ago I knew I was supposed to put together a middle school, and then, suddenly, I'm not so sure. Does fate change? What is destiny? There are days, like today, that I wish Whoever Is In Charge would just send a FedEx envelope with directions inside.

"Dear L,
Start a school. Put it in Lansing,
and open it to everyone.
I'll send someone to pay for it.
Love, God/Allah/Buddha/whoever"

Somehow, I don't think I should hold my breath.

Let's see, I've read more Sharon Shinn this month: The Dream-Maker's Magic and The Truth-Teller's Tale - so good, so comfortable, so DELICIOUS. I have such a sweet taste in my mouth when finished with her books. Next up The Thirteenth House if I can ever find it! (it's another Shinn) I've been into Da Vinci's Inquest on TV too. It's a detective show from the late 90's-early 2000. So GOOD!